"My boyfriend recently died in a car accident a few weeks ago, and I have a bunch of songs I've written for him that I want to be able to record properly and release in honor of him…”

In a heartfelt text interview, Allie, a former Music Mentorship Program (MMP) student, shares her profound journey of grief and healing through music after the tragic loss of her boyfriend, Logan. From the shock of his passing to the therapeutic role of songwriting, this story is a testament to the transformative power of art in navigating life's most challenging moments. Join us in celebrating Allie's resilience and the beauty that can emerge from pain.

I called him about ten minutes before I was supposed to get to the exit, and he didn’t answer. As crazy as it sounds, I knew then that something was very wrong. I remember just quietly begging the universe to get him to call me back

Eric: Hey Allie! How’s it going? I'm traveling on various flights today. You got any time to text?

Allie: Hi! I promise I haven't forgotten about you. I get off at five and will have open availability after that!

Eric: I will be on and off the phone this week, so if you can just reply whenever, that's fine. Can I start with a couple of questions?

Allie: Okay, awesome! That sounds good to me. Yes, feel free to send me some questions.

Eric: I know this must have been a hazy thing to remember considering the circumstances, but I am trying to piece together how you became one of my mentorship students. I took some time digging up your application from February 2021. My MMP application asks a few questions that center on finding out what motivates musicians to want to be a part of the mentorship program. In your answer to one of the questions, you dropped a rather large bomb. This is what you said:

"My boyfriend recently died in a car accident a few weeks ago, and I have a bunch of songs I've written for him that I want to be able to record properly and release in honor of him. He was always the person that motivated me to do music (and motivated me to write music with him). I want to honor him and us in the only way I know, which is music. I feel that now, more than ever, I need to take advantage of every opportunity (especially a learning one) I can, because life is too short not to."

I vividly remember brushing past that and then doing a double take. Wait, what? Her boyfriend just died a few WEEKS ago? Not my typical applicant. Millions of thoughts were going through my head, like, what the heck happened? Will she make it through this music class? Is she in her right mind? How is this going to go? Am I even going to be able to help her at all?

We are years down the road now from what felt like an unreal situation. What state were you in at that time when you signed up? What was going through your mind?

“I was desperate to be creating because that’s what we did when Logan was alive. I think that my biggest goal was to feel close to him, and music allowed me to do that”

Allie: Wow, reading that answer now is very surreal to me. Thinking about that time is so bizarre. I was in so much shock at the time. I like to describe that period of time as foggy; it was like I was a zombie — just watching myself outside of myself.

I was desperate to be creating because that’s what we did when Logan was alive. I think that my biggest goal was to feel close to him, and music allowed me to do that. I was working on music obsessively then; I was pulling a lot of all-nighters writing the album, especially the “Infinite” track. I needed an outlet to teach me how to be a better songwriter, and I knew this class would be the perfect opportunity for that.

Eric: So you hadn’t planned on applying to MMP until after Logan had died?

Allie: I didn’t even know it existed until a week or so after he died. A family member of mine showed it to me.

Eric: Trying to imagine the context of your family member finding out your boyfriend died and recommending a music program. Not gonna lie, I don’t think it would have been my first suggestion. But thankfully you did it, and here we are!

Allie: It definitely was an out-of-pocket suggestion - at first, I thought they were crazy. The timing was definitely odd, but in the end, I’m grateful they pushed for it.

Eric: Ok, let’s start at the beginning of this. How old was Logan, how did he die, what exactly happened?

Allie: Logan was 17 at the time, and I was 18. He and I were long distance (dating) at the time; he still lived back home in Bristol, Tennessee, and I had just moved four hours away to Murfreesboro, TN to start my first year of college.

We took "pilot trips" (trips where we met halfway when we missed each other too much); that night we had decided to take one. He was about twenty miles away from the exit when he got in a fatal car accident.

Eric: This is too much like a horrible scene in a movie. Do you mean you were actually waiting for him to get to you, and he never did? How long did you wait there? How did you find out he wasn’t going to arrive? Were you alone? Where did you go?

Allie: I know. I called him about ten minutes before I was supposed to get to the exit, and he didn’t answer. As crazy as it sounds, I knew then that something was very wrong. I remember just quietly begging the universe to get him to call me back; I was trying to reason with myself that he just "may not have good service" or he "maybe stopped to take a nap and forgot to tell me." But in my gut, I knew. I pulled into the exit, called him, got gas, called him again, and called him again and again and again. I ended up speeding down the interstate even further, calling hospitals nearby as I drove. I kept calling him in between each hospital. I just kept getting the same answer: "We don’t have anyone by that name." Eventually, I happened upon a car accident (it wasn't his), but I ended up pulling over at a Pilot of all places, about to call my mom when I got a phone call from Logan's mom. I was about three hours from my apartment at that point, so I just sat in the car for about an hour until a family friend picked me up. It was such a jarring turn of events to just suddenly hear the words: "He’s dead." Everything changed in that instant.

[Allie then shares some photos, videos, and recordings.]

Eric: This is unimaginable. Those hours, minutes, seconds passing... must have felt like a nightmare of years of torture to you. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through.

Fast forwarding only a few weeks after this, you're in my mentorship class with 7 other musicians. You were vulnerable and shared your situation with them on the Facebook group. Here is an excerpt of what you posted:

"Recently, I lost my boyfriend in a car accident, and now, more than ever, I feel I need to record everything to tell our story. So, I hope to learn a lot from this, and maybe learn to best record the stuff I wrote/we wrote together and release it."

I'm gonna be honest with you right now. As you went through the process of taking the class, I had to keep wondering, "Is this person in her right mind right now?"  Your loss was so significant that I just didn't know what to expect. What was particularly new and daunting to me was that you were using music to grieve and process his death. You sent me all these voice recordings of songs you were working on together. You were focusing your energy on writing songs and eventually writing a book. I was wondering how sustainable this kind of grief was going to be. Was this a healthy or helpful way to grieve? It was like you had to throw yourself into the grief. At that time, you weren't avoiding the pain. You were almost drowning yourself in it. Yet, a year down the road, you're trucking away. You're not only alive, but you're actually still working on these projects you started only weeks into Logan's death.

Talk to me about this process. I want to call it a process of art and creativity, but isn't this also a process of grieving? Are you using music and art to process your loss? And if so, can you tell us what you've been working on for the last few years and how that has played a role in your grieving process?

Allie: The artistic process for me has always been intermingled with trauma; that’s what turned me to writing in the first place. I've always processed my emotions this way. I find it so interesting; that’s how a lot of songwriters are. They turn to that process to make something of the pain. I think that art and grief have become so intertwined with one another that it’s rare they exist individually now.

When Logan died, I lost so much of what my life was going to be. I was determined to create a new purpose, something that would give me something to live for. "To: The Sun" was that project for me. I've been working on it ever since he died; it's about our story. I just finished a first draft of the book, and I’m about to redraft the album one last time.

I’ve always been avoidant when it came to thinking about Logan’s death or my new identity without him. The emotions got too heavy, even when I would try to write about them, so I’ve had a very complicated relationship with writing in the past few years. I put myself into my academic work, as well as my jobs. I would oftentimes try to distract myself from those types of emotions — keep them suppressed. The project helped me with that; I was able to have moments where I had to confront what I was avoiding. I had to face those feelings to be able to write about us. It’s been healing in a way, revisiting all of those memories, both good and bad. Definitely a healing experience I would recommend for everyone going through grief. Artistic expression is a great way to process those emotions.

Eric: Yes, artistic expression is a really cool way to process deeper emotions and thoughts that can’t necessarily be captured by just talking. I also have experienced art being like therapy. My discography is not just music for fans to hear. It’s actually a personal journal of my life over the last two decades. When I go back to the songs, not only do I recall the circumstances, but the music reminds me of the actual feelings that accompanied that season. It’s quite a multidimensional journal that songwriters/artists get to keep!

I was able to have moments where I had to confront what I was avoiding. I had to face those feelings to be able to write about us. It’s been healing in a way, revisiting all of those memories, both good and bad. Definitely a healing experience I would recommend for everyone going through grief. Artistic expression is a great way to process those emotions

Allie, you are an inspiration for so many of us who have experienced loss. Death and loss like this just feels wrong no matter who you are. But to see someone do what they have to do with such boldness, fearlessness, determination, and beauty is inspiring. We are never given the choice in this life to be exempt from death, pain, and suffering. Yet, we are always given the choice of how we will deal with it. This might sound weird, but in the process of facing death, you have chosen life. You have chosen what is good. Thank you for displaying that as an artist and as a human being.

Allie: Thank you so much for that. I want that goodness to show in my life; I want to honor him in everything that I do.

Eric: This brings me to wonder about your perspective on God. It seems that crises often have an impact on our view of God, while we ask fundamental questions about things like "Why would a loving God allow us to go through such loss, pain, and suffering?" Has Logan's death changed your perspective on God or the fairness (or unfairness) of life?

Allie: The god question is always something I love talking about. My relationship with religion and God has always been a tumultuous one. I grew up in the Christian religion, but I drifted away from it around my senior year of high school. I started exploring the idea of mindfulness and spirituality. I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter what was waiting for me on the other side; love, loving both others and yourself, is the most important thing. I tried to hold onto that love as much as I could when Logan died. I didn’t have to wrestle with those beliefs much. My love, as well as his, was something that I rarely doubted. His death, from my perspective, made it more important for me to live my life in a more compassionate way.

On the other hand, I definitely struggled with the concept of free will versus fate. That was something that was very difficult for me to process. I ended up choosing the free will option, that it wasn’t some act of fate taking him away from me, it was random, unplanned by the universe. I don’t know if I fully believe that or not, but it’s what helps me cope; I feel just a little more at peace thinking that way. It’s something that still occasionally troubles me. I think I choose to believe what’s easier to swallow.

Eric: It is healing for those of us who are listening and who are also experiencing an ever-growing, ever-evolving faith. It’s too easy to just have a set of beliefs when we are young and naive. But when faced with something as real as death, that faith often has to grow with the reality that you face. It can no longer fit into tidy little boxes or formulas. Ultimately, after we've done our best to untangle the complexities, I do agree that it becomes evident that love is at the core of it all. It seems like you are finding that even now. So, Allie, I perceive you as something of a mourning and healing artist. You are and will continue to be a wellspring of inspiration. To those who are in the midst of this ongoing process of mourning and healing, do you have any guidance? And if you could go back to the Allie from a year ago, what would you tell her?

Allie: There was a point in time shortly after Logan died that my emotions became very repressed. I stopped crying, almost completely, and I felt numb to everything around me. A year ago was the worst it had ever been; my project came to a screeching halt. I had started turning to things that weren’t healthy for me to try and unlock some of those repressed emotions. I was trying so hard to find myself in all of the wrong things, and I wasn’t looking where I should’ve been.

Loss is like gaining a limp, and grief is learning how to walk with a cane.

An experience like this is not something you "move on" from — it’s something you "move forward" with.

The whole time it was within myself; it was something I could’ve given myself if I had been willing to look through some of the ugliness I was carrying within myself. It’s not a pretty process (it still isn’t; I’m still actively working through this), going through all of those emotions, but it’s something that is vital. If I could go back, I would have started this feeling journey a little sooner. Once I started, my work on the project picked up like it had never stopped.

Grief is such an independent journey. It’s so unique to the individual; it can be incredibly isolating at times. The only advice I can give is to hold onto love: love for yourself and the people you’re closest to. If I didn’t have my best friend Brenna, I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have through my grief journey.

There was something that a friend of mine told me shortly after Logan died that I always share when talking about the grief journey:

Loss is like gaining a limp, and grief is learning how to walk with a cane.

An experience like this is not something you "move on" from — it’s something you "move forward" with. It’s a difficult journey, and unfortunately a never-ending one. It’s always going to be different, but that doesn’t decrease your life’s value. All that grief is is learning to walk again, and you will walk. You just may have a limp.

Eric: Allie, it’s been a journey interviewing you. And a journey being a part of your life and creative process through this. I am so grateful and feel very lucky that you have invited me to participate, and I know so many others will too. We will definitely be keeping tabs on your music and writing, as we know now how honest and vulnerable you are with your art. On behalf of myself and the many eager music fans, thank you!

Allie: Thank you so much!!! I'm honored to have been a part of your program! It has shaped me into the artist I am today. Thank you for all that you’ve done. I hope others can find growth in their musical careers through your class.

About “Off the Charts”

I hold front-row tickets, not for Taylor Swift or Beyoncé, but for something far more precious—access to the lives of down-to-earth, relatable, and endlessly searching artists, hidden in the digital streaming era, overflowing with artistic richness.  My Music Mentorship Program (MMP) keeps me in constant interaction with student after student.

Their music and stories deeply move me. One common thread binds them: music and creativity aren't mere hobbies, they are life's essence. These individuals, willing to do anything to evolve and express themselves through music, mirror the universal search for something deeper within ourselves. - Thanks for joining me in the world of the arts. - Eric